As the new school year approaches, I would like to disgust a
serious education problem facing this nation - the inability of the
younger generators to write properly.
It's a very disturbing trend, because there is a vast
suppository of knowledge lodged in the collective minds of today's
youth who desperately need to espresso themselves better.
As one of our grating vice-presidents, Dan Quayle, once
appropriatingly said, "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate
I could not depress it any better than that.
So why do students have difficulty writing?
Well, let me play the devil's avocado for a moment. Perhaps we
could place the blame on the country's broken education cistern and
incontinent teachers. But this just adds a salt to injury, which
really stings. Our educators are the finest in the world, so why
place the blame at our teachers' feats.
We could also condemn the affluence of the movie industry, which
emphasizes fantasy and violence, rather than educating an audience.
And with their rampant erotic themes, has Hollywood been grossly
negligée in this area?
Much of the fault (and it's not just a pigment of my
imagination) also rests with the parents - you know who you are.
And if you don't, modern forensic science can help with the aid of
The simple fact is that today's parents are often too busy to
think about insuring their children's academic success.
As a result, the children are neglected: they return home to
empty houses, have to blow wave their own TV dinners and eat junk
food, then struggle alone to complete homework essay assignments by
copying answers from the Internet. Where are the parents to warn
that Cheetos never prosper?
So is it any wonder kids neglect their studies and create
mischief at school, even those who come from effluent families?
Students have always had a knack for irrigating their teachers,
but today's kids can be especially disruptive. Just the other day,
I read of a child who opened all the faucets in his school's arrest
room. The water damage was so severe, they had to evaporate the
school. Honesty, this nautical behavior leaves me with
Butterfingers in my stomach.
Students need guidance - emotionally and academically. Teachers
and parents have a responsibility to enrage a student's mind, and
what better way to achieve this than forcing them to develop
communication skills and the ability to repress themselves in
I know teaching the rules of composition often goes down like a
lead baboon, but they are essential tools for invective
Let's examine some basics.
Tenses. These often cause trouble, especially if you forget them
when camping. But I digress.
Punctuation: No English teacher wants to send home students with
conjuctionitis or have to perform a semicolonoscopy on a term paper
rife with punctuation errors.
I think you can see what I'm incinerating here. No student likes
to be prepositioned by a teacher. But developing writing
skills can be a huge advantage when considering future career
For instance, what kid wouldn't strive to become an extinguished
American libel filmmaker like Michael Smore? Or a renounced
vice-president such as Joe Bidet? Or even a visionary inventor,
such as Henry Forward?
So as the summer drawers to a clothes and students return to
school, I invite them, their teachers and parents, to work together
to make more young Americans legitimate. Let's stamp out mixed
meteors forever, and never spit another infinitive again.
(For impugning his writing skills, the author would like to
acknowledge his 11th grade English teacher, Miss Marla Props, a
graduate of the Norm Crosby College of Electrocution).
Nick Thomas has written for more than 200 magazines and
newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago
Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian