Thanksgiving has changed a lot since I was a child in the late
20th century. When I was a child, Thanksgiving was about spending
time with family, being grateful for what we had, and eating some
of Grandma's famous pumpkin pie.
Back then, aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings would set
aside their differences, gather 'round the table to eat a bland,
caloric meal, (and maybe eventually die of a heart attack a few
years down the line.) Back then, pumpkin pie was made from real
pumpkins left over from Halloween, and sure, they were kind of
moldy and putrid, but times were tough in those days, and we
weren't about to spend a hard-earned nickel on a can of pumpkin
Nowadays people often buy frozen turkeys from the supermarket.
In my time, we hunted down the turkeys ourselves, and if we
couldn't catch one, we ate a dog or a cat instead. Times were tough
in those days, and we learned how to make do.
At that time, stuffing was made from real "stuff": yarn, Q-tips,
marbles. We didn't use those instant mashed potatoes packets,
unless maybe we did, I can't remember.
In the 20th century, the president of the United States never
pardoned a turkey. You see, in those days, turkeys worked hard, and
they didn't depend on the government for assistance. That's just
the way we were raised. And by "we," I mean turkeys,
Thanksgiving used to be about caring for one another and helping
those in need: donating canned food, volunteering at the local soup
kitchen. I guess people still do that. Whatever, you see my
Thanksgiving is different now. Families still get together, but
everyone is watching football or fiddling around on an iPad. Some
families don't even bother to cook. They're too busy Twittering and
drinking Frappuccinos. It's a disgrace.
When I was a child, Thanksgiving was about wearing dark clothing
with hats and buckles, palavering with the Indians, and hanging out
at Plymouth Rock. Nowadays it's just all about skateboards, plastic
surgery, and dubstep.
I'll always treasure my Thanksgiving memories. The time Aunt Kay
accidentally dropped the mashed potatoes on Uncle Harold's head -
what a laugh we had. The first time I watched "A Charlie Brown
Thanksgiving." The time I got on a bus in Los Angeles and it
couldn't go slower than 50 mph or else it would blow up.
You see, in those days, Thanksgiving meant watching the Macy's
parade, hiding colored eggs, and counting down with Dick Clark as
the ball got ready to drop in Times Square. But a lot has changed.
Today, Thanksgiving just means microwaved burritos, electric
toothbrushes, and YouTube videos of small foreign children solving
Rubik's Cubes blindfolded.
I'll never forget the Thanksgiving when the Beatles first
appeared on Ed Sullivan, performing their smash hit "U Can't Touch
This." They don't make Thanksgiving music like that anymore.
You see, back then, Thanksgiving was about covering your entire
body in cream cheese, putting on a bow tie, and taking a stroll
down Main Street. It wasn't about eating turkey or corn on the cob,
or spending time with relatives. It was about drinking shots of
Windex and playing Dance Dance Revolution. It was a more innocent
Wait, when is Thanksgiving again? It's in November, right?