By Nick Thomas
posted
Jan 10, 2013
Many of us make personal pledges to improve our lives at the
beginning of a new year. It would probably come as no surprise if
well-known celebrities or organizations made the following New
Year's resolutions:
Paris Hilton: I'm going to do much more for others in 2013. I
plan to help feed the hungry by planting a lot more crops in
FarmVille.
Justin Bieber: I intend to keep a lower public profile in
the New Year. But not before my new sitcom "Leave it to Bieber"
airs; my new line of wrist watches, Justin Time, is released; my
new autobiography "To Bieber or Not to Bieber" is published; and
the boy scouts change their motto to Bieberpared.
Kim Kardashian: I will try to keep trivial stories about my life
out of the media spotlight, unless it's something of national
importance, like losing my cellphone.
Lindsay Lohan: I pledge to be a better driver. Whenever I hit
pedestrians, I promise to stop three out of four times and, if they
are conscious, have my assistant given them a copy of my
autograph.
Britney Spears: Whenever I write something funny in an email or
blog, I will not write LOL. LOL
Psy: To reflect how tired people are of seeing my Gangnam Style
video, I'll be changing my name to Sigh.
Marilyn Manson: I know I scare people; I even have to sneak up
on the bathroom mirror. I promise to use less Snooki-like makeup in
the New Year.
Bill Gates: I pledge to try and stop secretly hoping all Apples
are attacked by worms.
Mark Zuckerberg: I will launch a new web site called Fannybook
to complement my Facebook site. It will examine the other side of
social networking.
PETA: We will be boycotting all physics textbook authors who
persist in using the cruel Schrödinger's cat paradox. Even
theoretical cats should not be subjected to forced confinement in
hypothetical boxes.
NRA: To increase spectator safety at sporting events, we will be
suggesting federal legislation that forces every baseball, football
and basketball fan to carry a concealed weapon.
Michael Phelps: I will put my gold medals on eBay, to pay off
the national debt.
Barack Obama: I believe this nation should commit itself, to
achieving the goal, before the year is out, of landing a man on
Mars. And that man is Donald Trump. Then we can discuss the merits
of returning him safely to Earth.
Nick Thomas' features and columns have
appeared in more than 270 magazines and newspapers, including the
Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San
Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor.
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